Hello everyone!

I wanted to reflect after attending my first stuttering convention this past summer. I think it’s about time we stop beating around the bush in the ally community.

If there is one thing I want you to take away from this, it’s that your discomfort is not the other person’s responsibility.

No Discomfort = No Change

Toward the end of the summer, I attended the Nordic Stuttering Seminar in Finland. This was my first ever stuttering convention or event; I was equally as excited as I was nervous. What business did I have being there as a fluent person? Would people even talk to me? I had nothing to relate to them with, I don’t stutter. 

I wanted to learn. I went with genuine curiosity fueling my desire to know more, to experience more. 

And I did. 

I experienced many different types of stuttering (blocks, repetitions, prolongations, you name it),  avoidance behaviors, and secondary behaviors. I heard many different stories, both positive and negative. I was welcomed with open arms and smiles. I have nothing but respect and genuine gratitude for the stuttering community. People who stutter have taught me the power of resilience, keeping a positive attitude, and (almost unconditional) acceptance. I’ve applied all of these values to my personal life.

I consider myself an ally–a strong ally. I have been involved in the stuttering community for over a year, I studied fluency disorders and stuttering in school, I have conducted interviews, and learned FIRSTHAND what to do and what not to do. While reflecting during my first night in Finland I was struck with guilt. Despite all of this, I found myself occasionally feeling uncomfortable when someone stuttered. Why was I feeling this way?

My experience is that- there are three versions of a conversation: the speaker’s version, the listener’s version, and the actual conversation.  

As listeners, we try to relate to the person speaking. I often found myself projecting my own feelings of discomfort onto the speaker, even though they might not have been as uncomfortable as I was. I believe I did this  in an effort to understand stuttering on my own terms. I quickly came to realize I will not understand stuttering, or be the best version of myself as a listener, if I don’t meet the person who stutters where they are. 

It wasn’t the stuttering making me uncomfortable, it was my own version of the conversation. My speaker was struggling, or so I thought, and I wanted to “help”. Isn’t that my job as a listener? To help the person trying to relay a message get it out faster? More effectively? With ease? 

No. I realized that as a listener, my job is much more important and much less involved. I just need to listen. My job is to give my conversational partner attention and respect during the conversation. It is to give them space, and allow them to take up that space to express what they need to say. Who am I to judge struggled speech? Who am I to rip the words out of their mouth? 

For me, this was not easy. We are trained to expect quick, easy, and effective communication with little to no interruptions. When we speak, we might think how can I say this better? Faster? In less words? We set that expectation for other speakers too. Why aren’t they saying it better? Faster? In less words? How humbling it is to realize communication styles are as variable as fashion styles or hair styles, and that it is almost foolish to expect one style to be reflected in every person you encounter. 

I like to imagine the shared experience of stuttering as a very vulnerable, yet beautiful moment for both the speaker and listener. It demands patience. The message, as fragmented as it may be, makes its way from brain to mouth, then, from mouth to brain. It says, “stay here with me” and breaks through all the typical boundaries of communication that we are used to. 

So, what did I learn?

I learned that active listening skills are difficult to implement in real time. 

There are many diagrams that break down components of active listening, however I really like this one.

Even though these tips for practicing active listening are targeted towards the classroom setting, it can be applied to general active listening during any conversation. I wanted to highlight the last point, “listening may be enough” because most diagrams or articles don’t include it.

In my opinion, this is the foundation of what it means to be a “good” listener, however you want to define it. Just listening, giving the speaker a space to relay their message comfortably, might be more than enough. Attention and respect go a long way in a conversation, and you don’t necessarily have to add the head nods, the “mhm”s and the other components of “active listening”. 

I urge people reading this to not only be allies, but to allow yourselves to feel uncomfortable. It’s OK to feel uncomfortable. Make mistakes and learn from them. Experience that “oops” moment when you unconsciously finish someone’s sentence for them, apologize (and mean it) and do better next time. Challenge your beliefs, ask “why”, reflect on how you can do better and be better. This community is strong as all hell, trust me, but they can’t do it alone.

Allyship is imperative to drive a stronger shift in society when it comes to understanding and accepting stuttering.

It’s time we all push ourselves out of our comfort zones. Stuttering may not be your “normal”, but it’s someone’s “every day” and they deserve to be heard.