Stuttering Spotlight- Ezra Horak
Hi Everyone!
I’d like to introduce my personal friend and someone who has challenged my way of thinking and opened up my eyes to new facets of the stuttering world.
Ezra Horak is the host of "Stutterology", a new podcast aimed at parents of children who stutter (and anyone who'd like to listen.) They've been stuttering since the age of 6, but found their community of PWS in 2014 at age 23. Since then, it has been a journey of accepting their speech – stutter and all. They currently work as an HR Professional and volunteer as a Regional Adult Chapter Coordination for the National Stuttering Association.
Hot Take: Disclosing Your Stutter Shouldn't Make You Feel Guilty
Disclosing our stutter should be easy. I should be able to say, "Oh, I stutter," and the person replies, “Okay cool.” And then we move on, and talk about how weird the weather has been lately. Unfortunately, as many of us know, "Hey, I stutter," is typically met with any number of replies.
Often, a person has perceived us mentioning the stutter as sharing a vulnerability. They perceive a sudden emotional imbalance to the conversation and set out, unknowingly, to "fix" it. Here are some actual responses I've gotten, and why they suck, despite their usual good intention:
"Wow, I would have never known! You haven't stuttered this whole time!”
I have a few issues with this one. For one, yeah, I kinda figured you wouldn't know what was going on. That's why I told you. And two, telling me you couldn't tell that I stutter is more than a bit dismissive. It's not a compliment. My stutter is so much more than what you pick up on. The impact of stuttering runs deep. I could choose to never speak again, but I would still consider myself a person who stutters - even if you never hear it. On top of that, I'm tired of acting like fluent speaking is the goal... but more on that another day.
"I am so sorry! I would have never * insert thing they did here * if I had known! I'm not a bad person; I swear. I didn't mean it like that.”
I heard Harriet Lerner describe this type of apology as "hijacking your pain”. You hurt me, and instead of apologizing and moving on, it becomes entirely about you. No longer are you giving me a gift of an apology, but instead an invitation to take care of you.
This one hits especially true for me, as I experience this type of response in a lot of areas of my life. I've also been on the other side, hijacking the pain from someone I've hurt. (I've done this more times than I'd like to admit.) So I get it. We feel bad. We want the other person to know "I'm not a bad person,” whether we say it in those words or not. But the reality is: you hurt me. Do not make it my problem that you feel bad. Apologize and move on. Learn to feel uncomfortable with yourself - it's how we grow.
"Oh, I get it! I stutter when I'm nervous too!”
Nope nope nope nope nope nope. Do I need to say more. 1- stuttering is NOT because I'm nervous! I just stutter! 2- this is not about you! Yes, you want to relate. This is the same category as telling me that your brother's best friend's uncle stuttered as a child too and grew out of it. I DON'T CARE!!
There are countless other comments, but these are the most common that drive me up the wall. And it is emotional labor and work to respond to these comments. We suddenly have to put our feelings aside and take care of this person and/or educate them. It is exhausting. It is not fair. I don't want to do this every single time I open my mouth and talk. This WILL lead to someone laughing at my stutter (unknowingly), and me forcing an amused smile instead of letting them know to stop laughing; it's just a stutter. I do not always have the energy for it to be a WHOLE THING.
Disclosure, however, is important to me. I hate having to guess how the other person is going to respond to my block or my sudden repetition. I hate the moments of confusion, where they are so busy trying to figure out what is happening that they miss what I say. I hate the idea that they might think I'm nervous when I'm not. (I can't tell you how many "I could tell that you were nervous" comments I've had given to me.)
So - is there a way to avoid this? I think there is. It is my FAVORITE bit of disclosure advice I have ever learned. My good friend starts off his work meetings with a short introduction, and “And just so everyone knows, I am a person who stutters, so if you need me to repeat anything, just let me know!”
Why is this brilliant? It puts the ball back into the other person's court. The emotional imbalance is no longer there because you have the control and you are giving instructions for how to respond to your stutter. It's saying hey - I stutter. And I don't care. And neither should you, because it's no big deal. Just let me know if there is any hiccup because of it.
The issue is no longer that you stutter. The issue is now them, if anything. If they have a problem with your stutter, that's on them. They likely won't, but it saves us both the trouble of an emotionally uncomfortable conversation.
Another example of this is from a trial lawyer I met. As he introduces himself to the jury for the first time, he adds, "And if anyone has an issue with my client being represented by a person who stutters, just raise your hand now so we can dismiss you." His tone when he says this is calm, not mean. It is simply a statement of fact, as is many reasons people are dismissed in jury pools. A conflict. (To answer the question: no one has ever risen their hand.)
This may be a bit harder in 1:1 chats, but still possible. I can see it happening over the phone, "Hey, my name is Ezra, and just so you know, I stutter and block sometimes when I talk, so let me know if you need me to repeat anything" - that way, they don’t think there's a bad connection and hang up on you mid-block. (BEEN THERE.)
Occasionally, I do still get the “Wow, I couldn’t even tell you stutter!” comments afterwards. Sigh - such is life. But it happens less, and it always happens AFTER the fact, instead of things disrupting the flow.
This method also doesn’t work when someone makes an idiot comment. In those cases, my best piece of advice that I hope one day I can apply for myself… is to tell them you stutter, and accept their apology. Don’t tell them it’s OK. Don’t say it’s fine. As people who stutter, we KNOW that very few people have bad intentions. We always give people the benefit of the doubt. But it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. And that's OK. And it's OK if someone has good intentions and screws up, and then feels bad. We don't need to make them feel better - but my apology lecture is a blog for another day.
My goal in writing this is not to make anyone feel bad. We all have to learn things somehow. My main goal is for EVERYONE, fluent people and people who stutter, to learn to let ourselves be uncomfortable sometimes. I am terrible at this. It is not natural in this culture or in our skin. But this is how we grow.
The most important thing to keep in mind is - while yes, it is nice of us to educate people about stuttering. It makes the pathway easier for those who come after us. In an ideal world, that is all we do. But - it is OK to be human. It is OK to feel exhausted. You do not have to be stronger just because you stutter, or because of any X reason why people misunderstand you. And other people's reactions and idiotic comments are not about you. And they are not your responsibility. You do not owe them anything - not comfort, not sacrifice, not education. If you want to give those things, that's amazing, but if you don't, please do not ever feel bad for being human.
My last bit of favorite advice I have received in the stuttering world: Forgive your hard days. You are not only allowed to be human, but you are allowed to be human without feeling shame for it.
There’s a great quote from an anonymous professor that I think of often: “We all want to save the world. But it's OK if you only save one person, and it is OK if that person is you."
